Cutting ties with people and filtering out friends is a natural process most of us go through with age. Friend groups are ever evolving; old friends may leave your life and new friends may enter. For many reasons, friendships change; they may become stronger or they may dwindle and become strained. But when do you stop to think, enough is enough? What does it take to finally realise that trying to maintain a friendship is no longer worth the effort? Making the decision to cut ties with friends, particularly ones that have been in your life for many years can be trying, it can be difficult, and it can make you feel guilty. But usually, these alterations are for the best and will hopefully help to relieve any negative emotions you may have been experiencing as a result of detrimental friendships. Below are what I believe to be the five indicators that it’s time to cut ties and move on.
- The absent friend – a friend that is no longer present or available. If you have consistently called, texted, messaged on various occasions, only to be met with no response, it may be time give up. More importantly, if you have been going through a difficult time and have confided in your friend, yet they ignore you and turned a blind eye to your struggles, that is probably a strong indicator that you don’t mean a whole lot to them. Undoubtedly, one sided friendships do not work.
- The unreliable friend – a friend that continuously cancels on you. Obviously in many circumstances the reasons for bailing on a friend may be legitimate. However, if the cancellations become overly frequent and get to a point where it becomes inconceivably ridiculous, it may be time to part ways. Reliability is vital to maintaining secure friendships and a lack of it can create feelings of mistrust and doubt.
- The egocentric friend – someone that is concerned only with themselves, their wants and their needs. An egocentric friend is one that prefers to talk about themselves, their lives and their relationships, yet neglects asking about your life, and fails to consider the perspectives of others. A healthy friendship is one that involves mutual interest, as well as reciprocal care and concern for the other person. If you meet up with a friend and after the catch-up, feel as though you hadn’t had the opportunity to talk about your life because your friend never cared to ask, it might be time to let go.
- The defensive friend – a friend that isn’t willing to hear and consider alternate or opposing views. Having a good friendship doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything your friend says or does. Close friends should be able to openly articulate their views, thoughts and beliefs, even if they are not in alignment with the views of their friend. A good friend is one that is eager to hear your advice, listen to your suggestions and value your opinion, whether they agree with you or not. If you have a friend that gets defensive and aggressive when you disagree with something they say or do, it may be best to lay that battle to rest and move on.
- The untrustworthy friend – a friend that talks behind your back. If you have discovered that your friends have been talking negatively about you to others, yet act pleasant and friendly to your face, its best to part ways with them. Maybe you have discovered that your friends have been explicitly bitching about you in a facebook conversation, or maybe you just have a gut instinct that they put you down when you’re not around…this lack of trust can be upsetting and not worth the emotional toll.
Let’s be honest though, no one is perfect. It would be rare to find a friend that perfectly fits all criteria. I will admit that while I would consider myself capable of being a good, supportive and reliable friend, there are still certain criteria I do not completely fulfil. But what is important, is to ask yourself, does the good outweigh the bad? Does your friend add something to your life? Does your friends presence bring you more positive emotions than negative ones? Personally, in any area of my life, once someone starts causing me more negative emotions than positive ones, that is the defining factor for me – the moment I know it’s time to let that person go. Unfortunately, poor friendships can make you feel more alone than if you were to have no friends at all. That constant longing for your friend to finally be there for you, only to be repeatedly disappointed can actually create undeniably feelings of loneliness. However, on a more positive note, I can say that once you have cut the destructive and depleted friendships off, you may feel an instant sense of relief. Those negative emotions you were experiencing may be instantaneously eradicated by a click of a button, deleting that person from your existence. Personally, I didn’t realise how low a certain failed friendship of mine had been making me feel until I eliminated that person from my life, and almost immediately, I felt a tremendous weight being lifted off my shoulders. If you are feeling unhappy in your life, I think it’s important to assess what exactly is making you unhappy. If certain friendships are contributing to your unhappiness, it may be best to cut ties with them and move on.