The past ten years, I have experienced a multitude of highs and lows. Some of my biggest highs being – my first degree in psychology, moving countries on my own and travelling. And some of my lowest lows involved – going down the wrong career path, failed relationships and a lingering feeling of loneliness. Last year I decided to take action and change my most significant “low” – I left my previous profession as a teacher and returned to University in pursuit of a new career, one much better tailored to my interests and personality. In 2017, I got to this weird place in my life where I was so grateful that I had new path ahead of me, yet, because my life had not panned out the way I expected, I felt angry at the world, at humanity and at life in general. It got to the point where I actually wanted something bad to happen to the earth because I wasn’t happy with my own life. Negativity attracts negativity, and last year I became very susceptible to this. On a number of dates I went on, I would receive the same criticisms over and over – “you’re too introverted”, “too guarded”, “too reserved”. I will never understand how another human being can actually have the audacity to vocalise their judgements and criticisms of another person on a first encounter, but that’s what happened in my case, time and time again.
Luckily, I have had a bit of a revelation just in time for the new year. I was speaking online to someone I had dated very briefly, whom again, felt the need to make their criticisms of me known and heard. And then I realised, I am sick of being weak. I’m fed up of being an anxious person, I’m fed up of caring what others think, I’m fed up of not standing up for myself. I’m tired of hearing and internalising the same continuous criticisms from others. Maybe it’s time to do something about it and make a change. I decided to stand up to this person and give them a piece of my mind, and it felt great. It dawned on me in that moment, that I have one life, and I don’t want to waste it being spiteful. As cliché as it sounds, I want 2018 to be the year where I find happiness. I don’t want to just be content in life…I want to be happy. It’s time to disconnect from the negative mentality that has skewed my mindset for too long now, and adopt a more productive one moving forward. And I would love to help others who are also going through the same process.
During my ‘low’ phases of life, I would occasionally experience what I can only describe as being “depressed ruts” or “funks”. Sometimes these ruts would last twenty-four hours, sometimes they would last several days, and sometimes they could go on for weeks. Over the years, I have learned several techniques that have helped me break out of these ruts. Below are the main tips I would like to share with you, if they can be of any help.
How to break out of a rut:
- Take a break from social media – deactivate it, delete it, just get off it. Various research has found a strong correlation between extended social media use and depression. Browsing through everyone’s ‘highlight reels’ sure isn’t going to make you feel any better about your reality. Just ditch it.
- Preoccupy yourself – take up a hobby, a sport, an art, just anything that will occupy your mind. Sometimes too much free time with nothing to do can be incredibly detrimental. It may result in spending excessive amounts of time overanalysing situations and focusing on your emotions. Do something that will distract you.
- Exercise – exercise leads to a release of endorphins in the brain, leading to increased feelings of positive emotion. Not only is exercise great for your health, but it also has tremendous effects on the mind.
- Vent but don’t create a pity party for yourself – talk to someone about what you are going through. Sometimes you just need to vent and be listened to, no matter how small or mundane the matter may seem. There is nothing wrong with this. However, make sure that your aim of venting is not to get people to feel sorry for you. If this is the case, then you may start relying on others to make you feel better – for them to do and say the right things. But ultimately, it is you that needs to get yourself out of the situation.
- Get out – on your own, or with a friend. Connect with nature. Just get out in the world and do something. One of the worst things you can do when you are experiencing a depressed rut is to stay in your room all day long, feeling sorry for yourself. It is more likely this will only prolong and increase the negative feelings you are experiencing.
- Put things into perspective – remember that there is always someone who has it worse than you. Make a mental note of all the things you should be grateful for in life.
- Treat your rut like a challenge – instead of letting the rut consume you, change your mindset and view it as a battle. Tell yourself that you are going to beat this rut and don’t let it take away anymore of your time.
For the year 2018, not only do I want to diminish my negative mindset, but I also want to become a more happy, and a more confident person. This goal is going to be a bit of a work in progress – but these are the tips I have learned so far and will continue to implement.
How to become more confident and happy:
- Keep a journal – use a personal diary to jot down your thoughts and ideas, it’s a great way to organise, clarify and make sense of your thought processes. Also, remember to write down positive comments about yourself. If you tend to be quite a self-deprecating person, writing down just a few things you like about yourself can really help boost your self-esteem.
- Be a good person – be kind, and be respectful. Even if you are a shy, guarded, or introverted person, if you treat others well, you will always have this to fall back on. I often try to remind myself – sure, I might be a bit socially awkward, but at least I am a good person and treat others with kindess, and that’s all that really matters.
- Keep in good shape – don’t get me wrong, you can definitely be out of shape and still be confident. But I think many of us would agree that when you look great, you feel great. The past few months I have been going to the gym and have lost a fair amount of weight. I still have a few milestones to reach but overall it really has done wonders for my confidence.
- Make eye contact – lack of eye contact with another person can often portray a sense of disinterest and disengagement. This is a point I really want to work on this year because it is something I sometimes struggle with. While it may feel challenging at first, I’m sure in time, it will become second nature.
- Be aware of body language – similar to the above point, if you are with another person, and are constantly adjusting yourself/fidgeting, this can often make you seem anxious and insecure. I know this is easier said than done, but try to just relax and hold your head up high. Again in time and with practice, this will probably become second nature.
- Smile more – rather self-explanatory. Smiling will make you seem more warm, and others may warm to you faster.
- Say ‘yes’ more – put yourself out there, say yes to new experiences and opportunities instead of hiding away. I have always had a bad habit of avoiding certain social situations where I may be put out of my comfort zone. But this year I want to make a conscious effort to say yes to more opportunities and to meeting new people.
- Stay away from social media – as with the previous list of pointers, disconnect from the online world. Comparing yourself to others rarely results in positive feelings about yourself.
- Try not to care what others think – again, easier said than done. Just try to remember that you only live once – who cares if you embarrass yourself.
- Stand up for yourself – stop being weak, stop letting people walk all over you, be strong and stand up for yourself. If someone criticises you or doesn’t treat you well – speak up. Explain yourself, give them a piece of your mind. This can really help you to feel more powerful. Just make sure you have the right intentions when doing so i.e. don’t bite back at someone with the sole intention of putting them down.
- Fake it til you make it – this is a tip I have seen a lot online. Quite an ironic one to be fair. Even though I am always myself with other people, I often get told that I am ‘acting’ too reserved. While it is not an act, maybe putting on an act is the best way to go. I feel a bit iffy about this point, but am going to give it a try.
So those are my main pointers on how to break out of a rut, and how to be a more confident and happy person. I hope this post can be of help to anyone who has, and is experiencing something similar. I also hope that these pointers will change my mindset for the better this year and continuing onward. I would love to hear your best tips and pointers regarding your journey in the pursuit of happiness. What do you do to get yourself out of a rut? And what are your best tips for being confident and feeling happy? Please leave a comment below.